Nowadays, my free time is eaten up by writing and social media. But many years ago, I got into volunteering as a way to fill my spare time and to “give back.” I tried different organizations, and all do good work. But one charity touched something in me, and I heeded its call to action.
Women’s Aid,
a domestic-violence charity.
Now, I have no academic insights or credentials that make me an expert. And I’ve never experienced domestic violence. Yes, there have been jerks along the way, but nothing worse than that. So why did I feel so strongly about this particular charity?
Because it fights for what I believe in. The phrase that describes all my fictional heroines is ‘Women With Smarts And Sassitude.’ This motto was no random choice. Now, I’m a woman, reasonably well educated, quite on the suspicious side, but with a writer’s imagination. If you asked me, I could come up with ten scenarios in which someone could end up trapped in an abusive relationship.
For starters, let’s play with the idea of a confident, together woman. Can you picture her? Nice clothes, proud, admired by her friends. How likely is she to admit that the gorgeous hunk that made her the envy of her friends loses his temper when he’s drunk? Besides, we all do stupid things after a few drinks. She herself was flirting with Joe from accounts that same night. No wonder Mike was upset. So in a way, it wasn’t just his fault that he got a bit hands-on. As long as he doesn’t do it again, of course. She wouldn’t stand for it. Besides, he was so, so sorry afterward. Deep down, he’s such a sweetie…
Think it couldn’t happen to you? If you have a healthy relationship with your family, a close-knit social group with people who look out for you, you might indeed be spared.
Still, just about any woman (who isn’t you) could become a victim.
If you’re a man reading this, at this point you might be getting defensive. Not once did I address man’s role as the inevitable brute, yet the mere mention of domestic violence puts many guys on the back foot. Firstly, because they’re feeling judged, on behalf of their gender, by people who don’t know them. But they also see themselves as strong and reliable. Your everyday hero. And dudes beating their wives offends this self-image.
What happens when you raise the topic of domestic violence in a social situation? Oops. That would be quite the faux-pas. Initially, you’d hear condemnation all around. Then, a rapid change of topic. Because confident, together women and strong, reliable men won’t touch that can of worms. Nope. No way. Neither gender would come out of this discussion smelling of roses. Let’s not forget that statistically speaking, one or more among you may actually have been affected by this issue. Best to talk about a less explosive subject.
Domestic violence is the last battle in the war for equality, but neither side wants to shoot the first salvo. Now and again the topic is picked up by the media, followed swiftly by a state initiative, and then tucked away in some drawer in favor of some other cause that needs our attention.
Anyway, after word got out about my association with a domestic violence charity, more than a handful of women at work confided in me their own haunting experiences. Confident, together women they were one and all.
This is why this is important to me. It’s the elephant in the room we won’t talk about, even while the elephant tramples good women and innocent children, and yes, quite a few honorable men to death.
The Twist In The Tale
At my first tentative meet with the refuge manager, she asked me what type of woman I thought was most likely to be affected by domestic violence. I confidently replied, “everyone equally.” Soldiers returning from war with PTSD, executives in stressful jobs,… Sometimes crap just gets to you. Makes sense, doesn’t it? But her answer surprised me. “No. Poor women.”
Not women from poor families. Poor women. Women who are poor in terms of money, support, and resources.
Women in the lower social classes. Women raised with strict religious doctrines and isolated from others. Women who stay at home to look after the children and who rely on allowances from their husbands. Women who are addicted to drugs or alcohol. Women who sell their bodies.
But we knew this, right? In those milieus, it’s a given that the foul-mouthed, chain-smoking woman who lets her kids run riot occasionally gets a slap. Prostitutes? A black eye is the cost of doing business. What about those muslims who don’t let their women talk to anyone? Of course they abuse and oppress their wives and daughters.
We have this image of these groups in our heads that hides the truth behind a glass window. Domestic abuse is so rampant in certain layers of society that it’s become a stereotype. All of them are at it, and somehow it’s become the norm.
The truth is that not all of them are “at it,” and abuse and violence should not, and must not ever, become an accepted standard of behavior.
This is a subject I will revisit. Perhaps with statistics and a discussion of men as potential victims. For now, I will leave you with a final thought. For every work colleague who’s confided her ordeal in me — these confident, together women from what we’d consider low-risk groups — just how many not-so-confident and not-so-together women suffer daily from verbal, situational or physical abuse?
If you have any thoughts or comments on this issue, please share them.
