Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) is the idea that through deliberate actions on your part, you can influence others. Sounds far-fetched? We do it every day. Commercials on TV promise us that “experts” say or that “85% of women” prefer… Who are these experts or women? Are they representative of their peers? If only two experts say to buy one toothpaste, yet five tell you to buy another, who is right? Women might prefer one hair coloring agent over another to the tune of 85%, but they only asked 23 people, and around 19 of them say they liked it—after they received the sample free and with the promise of further samples. And what about the other 4 women, who exhibited severe reactions to the formula?
The point is that we don’t ask these questions, because words have power over us. An expert is someone to be trusted, and if 85% of women prefer a product, it must be good.
Before I made writing my number one hobby, I took courses in all areas from computer hardware to HR management and even marketing. One field that occupied my time for several years was neuro-linguistic programming. I first understood the power language and behavior have over us when I read this example.
A mother, discussing a prospective suitor of her daughter’s, says: “I know John is ugly, but he’s rich.”
Her 19-year-old daughter says: “I know John is rich, but he’s ugly.”
As you can see, the location of the word “but” complete changes the tone of the statement for each sentence.
And on the opposite end of the spectrum, “don’t” is a thoroughly unimportant word, which explains why it’s often ignored. Our brains are wired to listen out for active verbs. Giving positive commands to your children is much more likely to work than negative commands. Because when you say “don’t act silly,” their brains focus on “act silly.”
So instead of saying, “Don’t jump around like a maniac,” try saying, “Sit down and play at the table.”
Of course kids aren’t so easily swayed, so you might try another NLP trick. By giving two positive choices, your child gets to pick. They believe they are in control, even though you pull the strings. So rather than saying, “Don’t jump around like a maniac,” try asking, “Would you like to do some coloring, or would you like to play with your toy cars?”
It is important to note that normal mortals like you and I will not be able to force people, especially children, to do something they won’t want to do. But we can nudge.
Did you know that hypnosis is based on NLP, too? In fact, magic and NLP are interwoven, so if NLP promises you effects that seem like magic, there’s a reason.
Mirroring
People who are “in sync” mentally are usually also “in sync” physically. If you lean forward, your partner does too. NLP says that this also works the other way around. If you “mimic” the other person’s movements subtly (i.e. they must not notice), you can implant in your partner’s mind the feeling that the two of you are “in sync.” This is called mirroring. What’s more, once you are “in sync,” you should be able to take the lead in the conversation, steer it where you want it to go, and you partner will now follow your movements. By creating a feeling of togetherness, you can affect how open the other person is to your ideas.
If your best friend uses a specific word a lot, you may find yourself using it, too. In the same vein, you can “tap” into a prospective employer’s thoughts by using words he or she uses. Experts in NLP distinguish between people who are visual or auditory or kinesthetic, or any combination of those. If you are visual, you learn better through watching a film or reading a text than simply through listening to your college professor drone on about the Mesozoic era. You might also prefer “visual” language—“I see” to indicate understanding; “Look here” to make a point.
Examples
Neal Caffrey in the TV series White Collar occasionally explains the tricks of his trade. Wearing a blue tie and adjusting it (drawing attention to it) makes the blonde jewelry expert examine the blue gemstone first. Using words that rhyme with “pink”, e.g. think, drink, link, makes her examine the pink stone next.
NLP also claims that people behave a certain way when they lie and that lies are told in a particular way.
Linguistically, the subject/liar may avoid contractions (“I did not have sex with that woman” as opposed to “I didn’t have sex with that woman”). But there are physical signs, too.
They might cross their legs or arms, signaling a reluctance to be “open” to your questions. Maybe they even turn away from you or cover their mouth by touching their nose or in an awkward cough (which also buys time). Look more closely at their face, and you might detect that their eyebrows have gone up slightly on the insides (the sides near the nose), an indicator of fear. Another sing of fear is that the corners of their lips drop.
After their statement, the subject may focus on you to gauge whether you believe them.
Remember the earlier statement about visual, auditory and kinesthetic people? NLP at one point suggested that people glance up to access their visual center, and then to their right (your left) to access the creative part of their brain, suggesting they’re constructing a lie. If they’re glancing up and to their left, they’re accessing an actual memory. If they concentrate on a voice or a sound from the past, their glances will be more level, once again with the real memories on their left. If they look down and to their right, they might be concentrating on how they’re feeling, and down and to their left they might indicate internal dialog.
This idea has received much criticism. Why? Because people are individuals. For some, memories are accessed by looking to their right. Others look in the same direction whether they’re lying or telling the truth.
In other words, even though paying attention to your subject’s behavior when they’re lying might pay off, don’t simply rely on this model before accusing your partner of cheating on you!
NLP in Fiction
NLP has been used extensively in crime fiction. From White Collar and Leverage to Lie To Me and The Mentalist, screen writers have applied these techniques to pull of cons or catch liars.
So what does NLP have to do with writing a book? Well, you can use these techniques, too. In crime fiction, you could have a body language expert being fooled by a lady who used Botox to mask her facial reactions. In fantasy, your character could be misled by a mentor or a scientist—authority figures he trusts. In romance, a careless sentence could wreak havoc on two people’s chances of finding their soulmate.
You could even use language to lead your readers astray. How? Name your baddie Kirsty, who has a lovely sister called Jen. When talking about nefarious goings-on, use words like “mend” and “ten” and “Ben” and “zen,” and you might just steer your reader toward the belief that Jen is the evil one. Alternatively, Kirsty could deliberately hesitate, even be “reluctant,” before telling your main character that Jen has been behaving erratically, and then dismiss it. If done skilfully, you might cast suspicion on Jen. If done like a bull in a china shop, you could cast suspicion on Kirsty.
Using a combination of tactics, planting red herrings isn’t that difficult and add spice to your plot.
Do I practice what I preach? I have indeed used a powerful tool based on the assumptions people make in my book GUARDED, and BOUND deals with the fallout of what happens when misunderstandings are left uncorrected—some might say that the omission of a truth is just another form of lying.
The field of NLP and body language is too large for me to get into now, and I’m certainly no expert of the human psyche. However, according to my own experiments, the methods I have described here work on the majority of people.
The name of the game is playing with your readers’ expectations.
Can you think of a book or a movie where these “mind games” have been used to good effect?
P.S.: Notice how I simply asserted that the methods work on the majority of people? I have offered no proof of these “experiments,” yet in all likelihood you have taken my statement as fact. Don’t!
